


the road to nothing

by kittensoo



Category: My Lovely Girl | 내겐 너무 사랑스러운 그녀
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:51:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4232904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensoo/pseuds/kittensoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raehoon stole Siwoo's heart, locked it up in a place he didn't know, and threw away the key. (Siwoo realized that maybe, his only talent was falling for the wrong persons.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the road to nothing

It was his first day in ANA when Siwoo came across a raven haired boy dancing like it was his last dance, with moves so powerful and precise and _hot_. He didn’t know who the boy was, he basically didn’t know anyone in that place. But he remembered that he was so amazed by the boy he could remember how the boy’s body looked like and how he moved. He found out who the boy was when he was introduced to the trainees of ANA, where his eyes and his mind instantly wander to the boy.   
  


Raehoon, a trainee for more than three years along with some other trainees that entered around the same time as he was. He was going to debut in several months, so Siwoo could understand why he worked so hard. He smiled to Raehoon, but the boy didn’t reply to his smile, instead making a stern face and looking like he just wanted Siwoo to disappear.

There were several trainees at that time, all working hard to achieve their dreams. A lot of times, Siwoo felt out of place because they didn’t even really talk to him and the reason why he was here was different. He was street casted and the only reason he accepted the offer was because he thought if he succeed and he became an idol, he could give his mother a lot of money and a better life. He never thought of doing music and he never trained for that. His body was too clumsy for him to be a good dancer. All he had was his face.

He realized that very well and he tried hard to be at least decent in those things, but he probably should have realized how Raehoon and other trainees kept sneering at him when he failed to reach a high note or when he slipped and fell on his butt when he was dancing.

Sadly, he was still too positive about the world to realize that, maybe if he knew that earlier he could prevent himself from falling into a deep hell. Maybe.

*****

He didn’t remember falling in love.

He remembered how he liked it when he saw Raehoon’s smile even though he wasn’t sure why because there was no absolute reason for him to like someone’s smile, moreover a smile like Raehoon’s. Raehoon had a weird smile, it didn’t look like a genuine smile, but looked like a mocking smile, even when it was genuine. He liked it too when he saw Raehoon laughed, it was so different that the serious face Raehoon always put up.

He remembered feeling jealousy whenever he saw Raehoon’s eyes filled with endearment and love when he looked at his best friend and how he was always happy with him even though he was going through a harsh and tiring practice. Siwoo was wondering why he couldn’t get those looks from anyone other than his mother.

Sometimes, Raehoon and the other senior trainees would teach him and the newer trainees about a thing or two, and maybe sometimes Siwoo would look at Raehoon with admiration. But there was nothing in Raehoon’s eyes when he looked at Siwoo, Siwoo didn’t mean anything for him and Siwoo knew that.

He remembered a lot of things about Raehoon but he didn’t remember ever falling for him.

When he heard the news that he was going to be Infinite Power, he was excited. He didn’t think he was going to debut so fast, only several months after he trained. He didn’t think he would be in the same band as Raehoon since their skills was very in different level. He had no idea why he was suddenly chosen as a member, he could remember that just yesterday one of the higher ups here called his a talentless brat and even bet that he wouldn’t succeed. It was a miracle and he thought that maybe he was not that bad after all.

After the excitement came, the next thing he heard was that he was going to replace a member—Raehoon’s best friend.

He wasn’t surprised that the next time Raehoon saw him, he saw hatred in Raehoon’s eyes.

*****

For several months before Infinite Power debuted, there was nothing really happened. He trained with the official members and there was a hostile air around them, but nothing bad happened. The older members simply tolerated him, even though it was very apparent that they got frustrated because he couldn’t catch up with them. They didn’t even try to hide their frustration, but they never did anything to him and focused more on training. He was glad for that, at least, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad being in a band that loathed him if they never did anything.

After they debuted, they didn’t get famous right away. They had a good song and a good choreography, but that wasn’t enough to make them famous right away. But their relationship was still the same, if they had any at all. Siwoo still would admire Raehoon for how well he handled himself on stage and on the camera, Raehoon would still look at him with hatred, but didn’t do anything drastic, maybe for the sake of their images. They wouldn’t want rumors floating around about their bad relationship after all.

The company made him went to a lot of things all by himself, from a variety show to another variety show and he even made some appearances in dramas. He got a lot offers because people were interested in his face, way more interested in his face than his personality and talent. He hated that, but also proud because at least he had something that made people interested in him and his band.

He spent a lot of time going to so many places all by himself, without the other members. He felt lonely, but he actually felt a lot lonelier when he was with other members since they wouldn’t talk to him unless it was absolutely necessary, most of time they would just talk with him when the camera was rolling and the things they said were sometimes scripted and more than often were just lies.

He worked hard trying to promote Infinite Power, doing anything people asked from him and spending days without proper sleep and rest because he also had to practice. Infinite Power started to be recognized by a lot of people and the next time they had a comeback, they didn’t have only good song and good choreography, but also good charting and public recognition.

He had thought that maybe, they would be thankful for him if he worked hard at promoting Infinite Power and improving himself at the same time until they got famous.

They didn’t.

When he finally not only got personal activities, but also group activities, when they were finally famous enough, it started to get bad. They acted much nicer to him and he actually believed that their feelings about him started to change, but before he realized it, he would be left alone at the shooting scene because they went back to the dorm without him. Sometimes they would tell him the wrong time of some schedules so he would be late to come and had to rush all by himself. Rumors of him having star syndromes started to afloat and he got more hate because of that. He knew that Raehoon was behind all of those.

A lot of times, he got pranked even in front of the camera, but he was good enough to turn that to something else and made those moments were actually they were that kind of friends. Raehoon would look so amused and happy watching him squirm and rushed and tired.

It was stupid and childish, something that he never thought Raehoon were.

*****

“You should be an actor, you are so believable when you acted like you care about me.”

He said one night, when they were finally in their room after a long day they spent on a variety show. They (or maybe, just Raehoon) acted like they were affectionate to each other, giving each other hugs and smiling at each other like they really meant it. Funny, they were so good at pretending that they were really close. The fans really believed that they were super close and some even gullible enough to see them as a romantic pair and the whole group as a group that would sacrifice themselves for each other. _OT4,_ they said. He felt sorry for making the fans believed in something that never was.

Raehoon was so good at pretending to look at him with face affection, so good that Siwoo sometimes forgot that Raehoon was just pretending and sometimes he even found himself wanting those affectionate looks to be real, not just an act. And sometimes, he would also believe the sweet words Raehoon said to him when they were on screen.

He felt that he started to get crazy. It frustrated him about how Raehoon would act so warm to him around other people and then so cold and mean when they were alone. It wasn’t fun when the managers roomed him and Raehoon together. Even the managers didn’t realize that they didn’t like each other.

“Yeah, too bad all drama offers go to you.” Raehoon answered, while taking off his shirt two meters in front of him. It was not an unusual sight, but Siwoo’s eyes would still look at Raehoon’s body involuntarily. He told himself over and over again, ever since he met Raehoon, that he was not interested in Raehoon. Not at all.

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

“I don’t like acting, you could take all those offers.”

Raehoon snorted and started to walk towards him.

“Even if you like it, you’re not good at it anyway.” He said, “Oh wait, you are not good at anything, the only thing you are good at is looking all good and pretty.”

Siwoo scoffed, “At least you admit that I look good.”

Raehoon started to get close to him, so close he made Siwoo walked back and his back touched the cold walls. Raehoon looked at his eyes and Siwoo looked back. Siwoo saw something in his eyes, something that was dangerous but lulling. He felt like he was looking at a monster.

“You are so proud of your face, huh?” Raehoon asked, “I want to ruin your beautiful face so you will have nothing.”

“Well, you couldn’t do that anyway, I’m the face of the group, if you ruin my face you will ruin the band.”

Siwoo knew that he was making Raehoon angry by saying those things. He liked it when Raehoon was angry and defeated. He felt like he was making Raehoon pay for all the unfair treatment he got from the members. He shouldn’t do it here, because he knew what would happen. But he did it anyway, because he hated Raehoon. Yes, he hated Raehoon. He hated him so much, but at the same time he understood why Raehoon hated him. He hated himself, too.

He hated himself when he responded when Raehoon suddenly kissed him harshly instead of punching him. He hated himself when he replied the kiss and enjoyed it even when Raehoon bit his lip until it bleed and then kissed away the blood. He hated it when Raehoon’s hand started to enter his pant and started to stroke him until his cock started to erect. He hated that he liked it so much.

He hated himself from not refusing, for caving in to Raehoon’s trap and got trapped in it. But how could he when Raehoon kissed him wildly like he wanted to do that all day, when he started to kiss his jaw and neck impatiently like he wanted all of Siwoo. At those moments, it felt like Raehoon loved him.

Siwoo would be the one who touch Raehoon like he was begging Raehoon to fuck him. Raehoon would always be the one who managed to remove his shirt and his pant from his body before throwing Siwoo to the bed and facing Siwoo’s flushed face with a smirk.

“You really want me, don’t you?”

“Well, you want me first, you are the one who started this.” He said, almost stuttering but trying hard to speak clearly. “I was just doing you a favor since you probably couldn’t find anyone else to fuck.”

And Raehoon kissed him again before he finally started kissing his body, making marks in a lot places and sometimes biting him unexpectedly, making him yell in pain. Raehoon wanted to make him be in pain and pleasure at the same time, somehow. Raehoon’s tongue would lick his nipples and then sucking on it, making him moan embarrassingly and probably loud enough the other occupants of the could hear it. He had stopped caring about it, they knew anyway. Raehoon would tell them how he acted like a whore and how embarrassing he was.

He knew Raehoon was just using him, but that didn’t stop him from getting confused about what their sex meant. He always had sex with the girls and boys that liked him, not with someone who hated him with a passion. It was like Raehoon knew that by doing this, he would confuse Siwoo and made him weaker and more vulnerable.

Raehoon stopped kissing him and got up from the bed, while Siwoo just laid down and waited for him. He didn’t want to think about anything, he just wanted to feel content and happy, something that he rarely felt. He didn’t want to feel confused. But he was confused, He always was. He was so confused by his life.

He could hear Raehoon unzipping his pants and then opening the drawer for the lube. He sat up to look at what Raehoon was doing, but Raehoon was already sitting on the floor with his head between Siwoo’s legs. He started kissing his hips, sucking on as many places as he could. Raehoon loved leaving marks on his body, and he had to deal with covering them up the next morning.

“On your four,” Raehoon ordered, after he was satisfied with his marks. Siwoo obeyed him, didn’t have the will to talk back and honestly, he probably wouldn’t have the energy to speak again after they were done.

“I admit you have a good body, your ass is perfect.” Raehoon said again, and Siwoo didn’t know if he was supposed to be proud of that. “Good think I can use your body for something since you are so useless at anything else.”

“Am I supposed to say thank—“

He didn’t get to finish his words because he suddenly felt a finger entering his entrance without warning. It wasn’t painful, but he was shocked enough to gasp for air. They probably had sex a lot of time enough so Siwoo didn’t have to be prepared anymore, but Raehoon still did it anyway, even though he only used his middle finger and it was to find his prostate. But maybe he actually had remembered where it was because it didn’t take a long time for Siwoo to get a jolt of pleasure when Raehoon’s finger touch his prostate. Raehoon took quite some time to tease him, moving his finger around and making Siwoo mewled when his finger nudged his prostate and then annoyed when he was purposely missed his prostate several times.

“Are you done doing that or are you now afraid to fuck me?”

Raehoon pulled his finger out and flip Siwoo to the bed.

“Someone’s impatient tonight.” He chuckled, and then he threw the lube bottle beside Siwoo’s head. “Put the lube on me.”

Siwoo grabbed the bottle and got up. Well, he liked putting lube on his partner—he didn’t understand why. He took Raehoon’s cock in his hand, and then touched the split and spread the pre-cum leaking from its the Raehoon’s whole cock. He could feel Raehoon whimpered in pleasure. He was happy, it felt like he was the one in control now. He wasn’t thinking about it before, but now he decided to take Raehoon’s cock in his mouth.

When he gave a blow job, he was usually gentle and caring, but not this time. He was harsh, sometimes his teeth scraped the cock, but he was trying not to make it painful. His eyes looked up a little to see Raehoon face. He could safely say that Raehoon enjoyed it—which was why he stopped sucking on the cock and instead started to put lube on it. His face crunched when he was concentrating on putting the lube. He was serious about it, but it didn’t take long for him to decide that he put enough lube.

He lied down again on his back and Raehoon stood in front of his entrance. He wrapped his legs around Raehoon’s waist. He didn’t have to wait for Raehoon to start entering his entrance, once they were in a comfortable position, Raehoon immediately penetrated him impatiently and grabbed Siwoo’s cock to stroke it before Siwoo got a chance to stroke it by himself. Raehoon didn’t even wait for Siwoo to feel comfortable and adjust himself to the cock inside him, he just started rimming into him quickly and then he picked up the pace until Siwoo couldn’t keep up.

It was almost always like that when they had fought in the dorm, this wasn’t even a big fight, they could fight more brutally until punches were thrown. They always fought and somehow it almost always ended with Raehoon’s cock deep in his ass, pounding him again and again. Raehoon would take full control over him He wouldn’t let Siwoo come until it started to hurt so much and Siwoo had to beg and beg again until Raehoon let his cock go and made him come in a shuddering mess, with stars above his eye, his heart beat so fast, and his chest rising up and down because of his rushed breaths. Raehoon would come after that and riding his orgasm out before plopping down beside him and whispered to him words that he didn’t want to hear.

“You know, I want to break you,” he said this time, “I want to break you so bad until you couldn’t pick up your own pieces.”

Siwoo just answered heartlessly, “Next time, you better let me ride you.”

Raehoon wouldn’t reply and instead ignored him and went to sleep. In the morning, Siwoo would wake up with Raehoon’s marks all over his body and heart being broken all over again.

No Raehoon beside him.

*****

Siwoo was a weak man and he knew that, but he couldn’t find a way to fix it. People thought he was tough, but they were wrong. Very wrong, if he was though he wouldn’t be affected by how Raehoon and others treated him, if he wouldn’t be affected by every harsh comments he got on his article. Sometimes he felt better if he thought that the one who wrote the harsh comments were Raehoon, Jun, and Sana. It was kind of funny imagining them typing furiously behind the computer.

He liked feeling good about himself, but it had been such a long time since he truly felt that. He felt good when the fans were praising him, but after a while he started to not believe at what they said because of course, they had a biased opinion of him. And he especially didn’t feel good at all around Raehoon, other than the times when they had sex. Maybe that was why he liked having sex with Raehoon, because he wanted to feel good and not useless. He wanted Raehoon to think that he was completely useless.

It had to stop. He was screwing with his own feelings. If only he could stay away from Raehoon, he would. It felt toxic, being around Raehoon was suffocating him. He didn’t want to keep trying to prove himself to Raehoon, but he kept doing that.

So once, he didn’t get any personal or group schedules, he ran away.

Well, he didn’t really run away, he just took his mother with him to a one month vacation. They never got to go on a vacation anyway, so it was probably best to take this opportunity to do that and at the same time running away from Raehoon, trying to remember all the bad things that he had done to him so he could completely hate Raehoon. He needed to hate him. He needed to not wanting him.

Still, sometimes, during the vacation he thought about Raehoon and what was he doing, but he tried to suppress any thoughts about the boy. It was hard, but he was trying. And he felt proud to actually try and it was easy because Raehoon was not around him.

People said that running away was never the solution, but he didn’t have any other way to stop being addicted to Raehoon.

*****

He let Raehoon kissed him as much as he wanted before he stopped him completely, pushing him away from his face. He wanted to continue letting Raehoon kissed him, but he realized, he couldn’t do that or he would be trapped again. It was better if they didn’t do this, Siwoo wouldn’t feel so miserable and confused if they didn’t do anything other than hating each other.

“Let’s stop this.”

Raehoon gave him a confused look, he was still standing in front of him, but Siwoo tried hard to look at him and not look at somewhere else. He wanted to look brave.

“Just hate me, hate me as much as you want, but let’s stop doing this,” he said again, “find another way to break me, a real and a harsher way to do it. I don’t care. Just stop acting like you wanted me, stop doing this to me.”

He wanted to look brave, but honestly, he felt really vulnerable.

Raehoon didn’t say anything, he stayed silent and just looked at Siwoo with blank eyes.

“I hate you. I really hate you so much.”

He never said that before. But even when he said that, he wasn’t really sure if he meant it. He ran away again after that and Raehoon didn’t even try to make him stay. Just being silent and let him go away. Siwoo wasn’t sure if this was the best, but at that time it felt like it was for the best. He needed to make their relationship clear.hat

Since that day, he had spent a lot of his nights at hotels, couldn’t bear to spend a night with Raehoon. He was in a constant state of running away from everything and trying to find his lost heart. Too bad Raehoon already stole his heart, he already wrecked it so bad and lock it somewhere he didn’t know.

*****

( Raehoon broke his heart again when he stole someone Raeum from him, the first person he started to like after he got his own heart broken. He broke it again for the third time when he moved to another agency and kicked him from the group. The fourth time he got his heart broken again, it wasn’t because of Raehoon, but it was another different story.

But Raehoon broke his heart enough until it became so fragile, until he didn’t want to fall for anyone again.

Maybe it was not written in his fate that the persons he loved would love him back. )


End file.
